Last week I tasered and dragged the Hubs to a lecture by renowned relationship researcher John Gottman. Yes, you read that right. The Hubs went to a talk on relationships. Better stock up on food and water, cuz the Supervolcano can’t be far behind. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
As we walked up the streets of downtown Seattle, I spotted another couple heading the same direction and guessed we were all going to the same place. When the woman left her guy in the dust by crossing on yellow, and then impatiently waited across the street, the Hubs agreed with me. We’re smart only that way.
After reviewing the bad and irrational habits of couples which I personally never do, Gottman discussed the Falling in Love Cocktail, which is how we all got in this mess consists of the following chemicals: DHEA, Oxytocin, Pheromones, Estrogen, Testosterone, PEA, Serotonin, Dopamine, Progesterone, Prolactin, and Vasopressin plus a shot of Grey Goose, shaken, not stirred.
During the “honeymoon phase,” all these chemicals, which thankfully can only get triggered by a few people‘s delicious look/scent/taste, will suspend our sense of fear and impair our judgment. No shit! In fact, a Swiss scientist found that when sprayed with oxytocin up their nose, more people agreed to fund a shifty Swiss dude’s investment scheme than people who were squirted with plain saline. So you should totally not date a financier.
It’s only after the chemicals wear off and we’ve possibly already been to the alter that we sober up that our judgment resurfaces and trust can begun to be built. Gottman defines trust in a broad way as behavior that answers affirmatively to the question “Are you there for me?” And that feeling, that your partner is there for you or not there for you, is created in small moments every day, every week, by listening and sharing openly. I You apparently cannot order it up off the menu.
He truly had a ton of information and a short time to convey it. While Gottman compiled lists of what you should and shouldn’t do, he didn’t really sink into that underbelly of people possibly like me who know what they should do, who know it would benefit the relationship, and yet still don’t do it.
Like how a person who is midway through a totally voluntary, food detox for rational, health reasons (a blog post on that later), walks into a lecture area, smells foreign spices and sees something tasty looking in a steamed wrapper being handed to her by celebrity chef Tom Douglas and eats it. Detox. Be. Damned.
Tom said yak was probably okay on a detox after I ate it.
But excluding me that still leaves a large group of rational-behaving people who exist only as a figment of my imagination would benefit from Gottman’s information on the habits of successful couples.
And by the end of the evening, the Hubs and I actually agreed on a second thing: the yak dumplings tasted awesome. Awww.
