Category Archives: weirdo

how to make yourself feel better with a scarf (G-rated)

I have recently made a discovery. I am sad, desperate child who will take any crumb of chocolate chip cookie the Universe will toss to me. I’m not proud. I’m just confessing because I have realized a certain shall-we-say manipulation that you humans are powerless to refuse.

It is . . . my pink scarf.

To be honest, once I realized my powers I felt a tad guilty, but hey, I got over that

Here’s the deal. Whenever I wear my scarf, whenever wherever, someone tells me how awesome it is. They can’t help it.

So, now, I put it on every day wondering what unsuspecting innocent will be my victim? (Last time it took 1 hour, and that included 40 minutes of driving alone).

And when they find I-like-your-scarf or what-a-pretty-scarf involuntarily pouring out of their mouths, I say Thank You and smile graciously on the outside while I’m MWA-HA-HA-HAAAAA’ing and mentally putting another notch in my scarf-conquering belt inside.

But I wanted to gloat share this insight because maybe you, too, have those times when you feel blue, or your prescription ran out you need a tiny boost from a total stranger in order to feel better about yourself.

My advice is this: Get your own an awesome scarf, because you ain’t getting mine a) getting compliments feel good, b) manipulating the human race feels good, and c) having just one thought of hopeful expectation for your day was one of Oprah’s favorite things may save on your liquor store bill.
No promises on c).

Yes? What’s that? I’m listening…

My Dear Santa Letter

Dear Santa,

It’s not you. It’s me. It’s actually you.

I had hoped we could have some fun together, but I’m seeing problems now that are hard to ignore. For starters, you’re totally obsessed with the children of the world. Day and night, night and day, they seem to be all you think about. How is an ordinary and somewhat high maintenance woman to compete?

But it’s not just that. You’re, shall we say, a tad judgmental about it all. Naughty, nice, good, bad, all your love is completely conditional. I’m sure if you held me to that standard, I’d be getting that famous lump of coal, coal you like to coerce behavior with, coal you make those poor elves mine.

Which brings me to the elves. The more I know them, the more they seem like slaves. There’s really no payroll, is there? Sure they sing while they work, but I can’t get comfortable with that. How do you sleep at night?

Actually, between the snoring and the sleep apnea, you don’t. You should consider a better health regime, San. I’m sure once you drop out of the obese category, you’ll sleep better. That and getting Rudolph off the bed. I know he’s your favorite, but still. Hello? Antlers. Plus, sitting around 364 days and then an insane energy burst one day of the year would not be good for anyone.

Anyway, I’m sorry it’s not working out. Maybe you just need someone better suited to your lifestyle. I know you said it’s a marriage in name only, but you may have been on to something with that Mrs. Claus in the first place. She’s certainly tolerant, if nothing else. I bet if you put some effort out, she may come back from St. Thomas. That chief elf couldn’t really mean anything to her.

Best of luck to you,
Me

P.S., My kid would love an iPad2 and an Xbox 360 with Kinect. Thanks bunches!

Sleeping Dogs

[Author’s note: I confess I cannot draw worth crap. There. That’s out of the way.]

Allow me to preface this post with this thought: We think of shame as a very human quality with some of us feeling it more than others, who frankly based on fashion choice alone, probably should be feeling it more…; nonetheless anyone with a pet knows that animals must experience shame at some beast-like level, as well. Am I right??

If you’ve read this blog from the start (Hi, Mother!), you may recall my discussing lack of sleep during a road trip due to a certain wirehaired pointing griffon. Here’s my preschool cave wall-style graphic.Maybe not worth a thousand words, but you get the idea. And that’s not saved for vacations. This is every night help, someone save me!.

So imagine my surprise the other night when I walked into my bedroom and saw Becca sleeping like this:

WTF? Now, when no one else is in the bed, she goes all generous?

Once I got over the flare of rage (anger management this, baby) shock of her position choice, I had that exact same anxious thought I now get when I see the Kid’s glass (or, truthfully, anyone’s glass) at the edge of a table.

Did I intervene? Did I ooch my pooch over a tad, just in case?

Nope, I did what Dione Warwick would do–I walked on by.

Several times, actually.

Then, as I watched my recorded episode of 2 Broke Girls that fascinating Nova on particle physics in the living room, I heard a familiar, doggie moan emanating from the bedroom. I can only assume she had launched into another Great Squirrel Chase in her walnut brain of dreams.
Just as I am visualizing her canine fantasy, I heard this:

THUD!

No. Shittin. Way.

And when I finally paused my show and got off my ass walked into the bedroom, what did I find?

The dog only just then standing up and doing a big shake with a big WTF was THAT? I meant to wake up that way look on her fuzzy snout.

I laughed so hard I have the wet underpants to prove it could barely stand.

And I’m sure she’d like to thank her dad for his giant, cushiony pile of dirty laundry on the floor. He always has been her favorite.

But she still can’t look me in the eyes.

Have your animals done embarrassing things?

Happy Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving

from our furry paws to yours!

[Note: This is not my dog. She would never allow such ridiculousness.]

As the Pumpkin Turns, Ep. 2

I know. It’s been hard to sleep, hasn’t it?

What with all the pumpkin decomposing going on.

When we last joined our garbage on the porch story, Vampire Kitty was looking a bit saggy, a bit un-Botoxed British actress-y. And Dog Pumpkin had its dark side growing from within.

Let’s see how they’re doing…

DAY SEVEN
What a difference a day makes, eh? Poor Vampire Kitty, she seems so deflated.
DAY EIGHT
I did not see that coming! Bat lost a wing! Although, in bat hindsight, totally predictable since he was sitting by the front door a metropolitan runway with his wings all vulnerable, hanging out there.

Meanwhile, Vampire Kitty has some nasty stuff happening internally. It almost looks like my shower drain hair growing in there. Zombie pumpkin hair?
DAY NINE
There’s really no magic serum to save Vampire Kitty in this story. (As an aside, those smiling pumpkins seem to be holding up. Perhaps it is all attitude? Or that they were carved most recently…)
DAY TEN
Bat got a little triage, see? But Vampire Kitty is turning rapidly into Pancake Kitty. And she’s leaky.
DAY ELEVEN
Okay, this is just plain gross.

Which is what the Hubs finally said.

Leaving us with this:
Aw. I miss their slimy, leaky, stinky pulpiness.

(Which is also what I said about the cancellation of As the World Turns.)

Well, you laughed, you cried you were grateful not to live with me or have to come over this past week.

Thus concludes our little gourdy drama…

Pumpkin bread, anyone?