This week I in a fit of delusion volunteered to chaperone the asylum lunatics second graders of my daughter’s school on their field trip to the Seattle Aquarium.
I thought it’d be fun. I love marine mammals. I once tended to injured and abandoned marine mammals here.
What I forgot about is all the other mammals that would be on the trip.
The 7 and 8 year-old ones.
The ones who argue about what exhibit to see next, how long to stay at the current one, who is really their friend, and where they can slink off into the sea of child molesters without me seeing them.
Sure, they look all calm and behaved here.
The day started with the announcement and my first clue I should invest in a nice flask in the shape of a Starbucks cup by the teacher of a “glitch” of how we were down to one bus, rather than two.
This led to a packed-to-the-brim bus ride into hell through island morning school traffic and road construction. Yes, that day, we had traffic.
After corralling them into the ferry and then keeping them all together through the streets of enticing garbage, kickable newspaper stands, and fascinating homeless people downtown Seattle, we arrived at the lovely Seattle Aquarium before they officially opened.
Which would have been super-duper cool, if they had let us in.
Instead, I had my charges playing Simon Says for fifteen minutes on the dock out front. Simon Says “JUMP!”
Actually, Simon did say “Hug me and say YOU’RE THE GREATEST EVER!” Which they did. Cuz Simon Said.
We eventually got into the aquarium where much arguing, hiding and yelling ensued.
They were less interested in this fur seal and more interested in the photo of the fur seal located on the touch screens they could manipulate, the little bozos techno natives.
Ignoring all the live wildlife around them, dress up time in scuba clothing was also popular.
Also, known as time-killer.
Finally, we wrapped up our time with what every aquarium visit needs when it’s at least an hour too long: a rousing game of tag in the front lobby.
However, I’m glad to report that no marine mammal was injured in the making of this post, and as far as I know but I’m not listening la-la-la, all our mammals returned to their respective homes at the end of the day.
Home, where I holed in my room boozing it up to recover and remind myself to never again bring to the Seattle Aquarium more than 2 young, two-legged mammals.
What field trips from hell have you endured?
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