Category Archives: health

Contact Lens Fugitive

Just about once every year, I wish I had gone for Lasik surgery to stop poking my eyes every day have normal eyesight again.

Today was that day.

Where the f#ck can a contact lens go when it pops out of your eyeball in the bathroom? There’s one foot of space between my eyeball/finger and the mirror, over the counter. And yet, that contact lens finds the black hole.

Imagine the power this country would have if it too could make things completely disappear in a nano second.

Seems like I should gain admittance to Magic Castle for this trick.

I looked myself over, the counters, the mirror, and only hours later from that par excellent vantage point known as the crapper commode, I caught glimpse of that sneaky little devil, crispy and curled over for his nap, on the edge of the counter. At least four feet away from where I lost him.

Little booger, he was crunchy from being out in the air all day. I wasn’t about to try to revive him after his poorly executed escape. Be careful what you wish for, lenses of the world. Freedom may not actually taste so sweet.

If you’re a contact lens.

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Bainbridge Island’s Chilly Hilly Bicycle Ride 2011

Sunday is Bainbridge Island’s Chilly Hilly Ride 2011.

Here’s what I won’t be doing during tomorrow’s very cold, and possibly wet, morning…

But you all have fun!

Maybe I will make chili, though, in your honor.

Anyone out there going for it? I bow to your greatness…

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dear boob

[No, this is actually not about the Hubs.]

Dear Left Boob,

I am so so sorry for what I allowed those medical people to do to you last week. I only intended we go in for the annual mammogram. You have every right to be mad. It was cruel and unusual punishment, pure brutality, without nary an ounce of contrition on their part.

Except that now we know when a medical person says, “This is going to hurt,” you believe it.

I don’t know why, now that we’ve advanced to digital options with immediate x-ray results, they still use barbaric, boob-squishing torture plates of hell.

She’s haawwt.

I’m not sure why they picked on you for extra slides. You’re smaller than your sister, with little for any to object to. You served your milk-providing time with pride. You’ve done nothing but be there like a good boob, wobbling around and causing shirts not to fit.

But for you, to get to know you more intimately, they pulled out the extra thick, panini flattener. With you, the melted provolone.

I wouldn’t blame you if you held a grudge. A lesser boob might never recover, but you need to remember that you still have me and your sister.

Fortunately, the doctor ultimately decided you looked just fine.

I only hope that some day you and your milk ducts can forgive me for what I allowed.

Also, I hope that some day you might perk up a little bit. Is that too much to ask?

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Twins separated at birth

Did you read this story about the twins born by c-section at midnight of New Year’s Eve in Illinois?

Doctors pulled out the girl in 2010 and then the boy in 2011. All planned out.

What are people thinking? Or maybe, what are the doctors thinking? Get your patient’s kid in as Baby 1? Or is this what they do for grins these days given the increasing numbers of monotonous c-sections?

Whatever. Smirk, Doc, if you want. The parents totally missed having a tax deduction in 2010 on that boy.

Then, I had to go read the article’s comments. It’s become a train wreck thing for me now, reading news stories’ comments. I don’t want to, but I can’t seem to stop myself.

Like a calorie-free 1 lb. bag of peanut M&Ms.

Including the feeling sick afterwards.

Don’t page down, don’t click to read comments, don’t you do it, Wendy, nooooooooo.

ARGH! I did it.

Know what they riffed off on in comments? You’d never guess.

rowdy (ID name) picked up on the fact that the parents had different last names and wrote that it was sad another unmarried couple is on the front page for New Year’s.

And then it went from there.

Judge, judge, judge-y, judge their worthless judge-y self.

Even a staff member chimed in that you kids should play nice or go home (more or less).

Why do I do it? Why keep reading those things? Should news stories allow comments? Do you read those things?

Or gasp are you commenting in them?

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The Shiny Coat Series: Weight, Weight, I’ll Tell You!

Yes, it’s back, The Shiny Coat Series, where I attempt to discuss healthy concepts and actions to improve your general surroundings. And by surroundings, I mean your hips. Not to mention also improving all those lovely internal organs we like to overburden and ignore!

So, where are we? It’s a new year, and if you’re like me, it’s a new higher weight level. You always hear about the dreaded holiday weight gain, and some idiots debate its existence.

Speaking for myself, it is real. Very real. Starting with Halloween (sure, some underachievers start at Thanksgiving, but I get a jump on those losers!), sugar starts in with me.

That damn fun-size (oh, it’s fun alright) peanut butter cup is the gateway drug to a good 5-10lb. gain for me by January. Especially if I add in a dash of oh-what-da-hell-I’m-already-eating-everything-anyways.

But now that we can acknowledge the fat pants adult acne renewed snoring bitchiness problem, what the heck do we do about it?

Sit down with a nice merlot, a bag of white cheddar popcorn and contemplate constellations?

Well, that might have worked a decade back but…. over a year ago I did a detox/elimination diet (nothing but veggies/lean proteins/non-wheat grain/some fruit) for three weeks, so while I’m not heading straight into no everything realm this time around (it is hard to do in winter anyways with fewer fresh vegetable options), I am starting today leaving out sugar and dairy and refined carbs, such as crackers, granola bars, and most breads/baked goods.

What the freak is left after that?? Marshmallows and nondairy Cool Whip? *imagining the dietary possibilities*

Nooooooo. There are some healthful alternatives. Yes, I’m looking at you, giant sack of brown rice and you, carton of eggs.

And, dare I say, that certain color of the rainbow we Americans like to discuss, propose for politics, but not eat–yes, I am talking about greens.

Over the next few weeks as I turn into a total bitch get healthier, I’ll check back with you guys for therapy a status report.

And if you’re starting some new regime, or re-igniting an old one, please feel free to share what you’re doing. Nothing like a lil accountability in da community, right?

Meanwhile, Bossy and me will be toasting with our protein smoothies.

They taste better than they look.

Really. No, they don’t. Yes.

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