Category Archives: health

Contact Lens Fugitive

Just about once every year, I wish I had gone for Lasik surgery to stop poking my eyes every day have normal eyesight again.

Today was that day.

Where the f#ck can a contact lens go when it pops out of your eyeball in the bathroom? There’s one foot of space between my eyeball/finger and the mirror, over the counter. And yet, that contact lens finds the black hole.

Imagine the power this country would have if it too could make things completely disappear in a nano second.

Seems like I should gain admittance to Magic Castle for this trick.

I looked myself over, the counters, the mirror, and only hours later from that par excellent vantage point known as the crapper commode, I caught glimpse of that sneaky little devil, crispy and curled over for his nap, on the edge of the counter. At least four feet away from where I lost him.

Little booger, he was crunchy from being out in the air all day. I wasn’t about to try to revive him after his poorly executed escape. Be careful what you wish for, lenses of the world. Freedom may not actually taste so sweet.

If you’re a contact lens.

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Bainbridge Island’s Chilly Hilly Bicycle Ride 2011

Sunday is Bainbridge Island’s Chilly Hilly Ride 2011.

Here’s what I won’t be doing during tomorrow’s very cold, and possibly wet, morning…

But you all have fun!

Maybe I will make chili, though, in your honor.

Anyone out there going for it? I bow to your greatness…

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dear boob

[No, this is actually not about the Hubs.]

Dear Left Boob,

I am so so sorry for what I allowed those medical people to do to you last week. I only intended we go in for the annual mammogram. You have every right to be mad. It was cruel and unusual punishment, pure brutality, without nary an ounce of contrition on their part.

Except that now we know when a medical person says, “This is going to hurt,” you believe it.

I don’t know why, now that we’ve advanced to digital options with immediate x-ray results, they still use barbaric, boob-squishing torture plates of hell.

She’s haawwt.

I’m not sure why they picked on you for extra slides. You’re smaller than your sister, with little for any to object to. You served your milk-providing time with pride. You’ve done nothing but be there like a good boob, wobbling around and causing shirts not to fit.

But for you, to get to know you more intimately, they pulled out the extra thick, panini flattener. With you, the melted provolone.

I wouldn’t blame you if you held a grudge. A lesser boob might never recover, but you need to remember that you still have me and your sister.

Fortunately, the doctor ultimately decided you looked just fine.

I only hope that some day you and your milk ducts can forgive me for what I allowed.

Also, I hope that some day you might perk up a little bit. Is that too much to ask?

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Twins separated at birth

Did you read this story about the twins born by c-section at midnight of New Year’s Eve in Illinois?

Doctors pulled out the girl in 2010 and then the boy in 2011. All planned out.

What are people thinking? Or maybe, what are the doctors thinking? Get your patient’s kid in as Baby 1? Or is this what they do for grins these days given the increasing numbers of monotonous c-sections?

Whatever. Smirk, Doc, if you want. The parents totally missed having a tax deduction in 2010 on that boy.

Then, I had to go read the article’s comments. It’s become a train wreck thing for me now, reading news stories’ comments. I don’t want to, but I can’t seem to stop myself.

Like a calorie-free 1 lb. bag of peanut M&Ms.

Including the feeling sick afterwards.

Don’t page down, don’t click to read comments, don’t you do it, Wendy, nooooooooo.

ARGH! I did it.

Know what they riffed off on in comments? You’d never guess.

rowdy (ID name) picked up on the fact that the parents had different last names and wrote that it was sad another unmarried couple is on the front page for New Year’s.

And then it went from there.

Judge, judge, judge-y, judge their worthless judge-y self.

Even a staff member chimed in that you kids should play nice or go home (more or less).

Why do I do it? Why keep reading those things? Should news stories allow comments? Do you read those things?

Or gasp are you commenting in them?

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The Shiny Coat Series: Weight, Weight, I’ll Tell You!

Yes, it’s back, The Shiny Coat Series, where I attempt to discuss healthy concepts and actions to improve your general surroundings. And by surroundings, I mean your hips. Not to mention also improving all those lovely internal organs we like to overburden and ignore!

So, where are we? It’s a new year, and if you’re like me, it’s a new higher weight level. You always hear about the dreaded holiday weight gain, and some idiots debate its existence.

Speaking for myself, it is real. Very real. Starting with Halloween (sure, some underachievers start at Thanksgiving, but I get a jump on those losers!), sugar starts in with me.

That damn fun-size (oh, it’s fun alright) peanut butter cup is the gateway drug to a good 5-10lb. gain for me by January. Especially if I add in a dash of oh-what-da-hell-I’m-already-eating-everything-anyways.

But now that we can acknowledge the fat pants adult acne renewed snoring bitchiness problem, what the heck do we do about it?

Sit down with a nice merlot, a bag of white cheddar popcorn and contemplate constellations?

Well, that might have worked a decade back but…. over a year ago I did a detox/elimination diet (nothing but veggies/lean proteins/non-wheat grain/some fruit) for three weeks, so while I’m not heading straight into no everything realm this time around (it is hard to do in winter anyways with fewer fresh vegetable options), I am starting today leaving out sugar and dairy and refined carbs, such as crackers, granola bars, and most breads/baked goods.

What the freak is left after that?? Marshmallows and nondairy Cool Whip? *imagining the dietary possibilities*

Nooooooo. There are some healthful alternatives. Yes, I’m looking at you, giant sack of brown rice and you, carton of eggs.

And, dare I say, that certain color of the rainbow we Americans like to discuss, propose for politics, but not eat–yes, I am talking about greens.

Over the next few weeks as I turn into a total bitch get healthier, I’ll check back with you guys for therapy a status report.

And if you’re starting some new regime, or re-igniting an old one, please feel free to share what you’re doing. Nothing like a lil accountability in da community, right?

Meanwhile, Bossy and me will be toasting with our protein smoothies.

They taste better than they look.

Really. No, they don’t. Yes.

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Word of the Day..or of December: Fletcherize

Fletcherize \FLECH-uh-rahyz\, verb:

To chew (food) slowly and thoroughly.

“She ate half a sack of carrots, and knowing full well that she was eating forbidden fruit, she bolted them, and for her failure to Fletcherize – but speaking of Fletcherizing, did you dine aboard the train?”
– Peter Bernard Kyne, Valley of the giants
The two extra months at sea gave him an insight into a great business, and he had the time to fletcherize his ideas.
– Elbert Hubbard, Little Journeys to the Homes of the Great: Volume 11

Fletcherize is named for the American dietician Horace Fletcher, who advocated chewing each bite of food at least 32 times in order to truly enjoy it.

Horace_Fletcher
Horace Fletcher

So, apparently your grandma’s old saying, “Chew your food,” can be summed up as “fletcherize?” Who knew?!

Perhaps there is relevant application for this concept this time of year?

What is the holiday season about, after all? Shopping Presents Spending money Baby Jesus Food! Right?!

I think Fletcher had a point, especially valid during holidays. Chew. Okay, perhaps you may be too distracted by your drunk uncle teasing your aunt, or your kid wobbling on a chair to grab an ornament from the tree, or your dog stealing food from the counters like mine does, to actually count to 32.

Honestly, that is a lot of chewing.

But the point is to taste your food (and maybe help your digestion while you’re at it!).

I’m the first to admit if something tastes great, my mouth gets real excited and gobble-gobble-gobble gets going in there, mixed with a little of more-more-more.
camel chewing
But Fletcher would say, slow down, notice the favors, savor this nourishment, and enjoy.

Which we should all probably be doing with everything this holiday season.

Except for pecan pie.

That I inhale.

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18th Annual Gingerbread Village at the Seattle Sheraton

You may have heard we had a bit of snow in these parts last week, and while it certainly slowed down this island, it didn’t slow down those architects and their team of creators in making the 18th annual Gingerbread Village at Seattle’s Sheraton Hotel.

I had to check it out. Yes, I brought my child, too, but she really was a distraction.

Unfortunately for you, I only had my iphone to take photos this time around, but you need to see it all up close and personal anyway so GET THEE TO SEATTLE, I say!

This year has the usual awesome accomplishments in edible creations.
gingerbread houseboat
In case you missed the Seattle Floating Homes tour this year, they made one of yum-yums for you.

Mmmmm, Hershey’s roof shingles…
gingerbread treehouse
They also went nuts and created a giNORmous edible treehouse!
santa kickin back
In case you wondered what Santa was doing…and his reindeer.
Reindeer
Reminds me of my own pet (the Dog). Maybe next year they’ll have the Claus’ in bed with a reindeer hogging the covers, you know, like my reason for lack of sleep life.
santa and sleigh
After you’ve seen them all, this year you can even vote for your favorite online, at www.gingerbreadvillage.org.

It’s a wonderful display and well worth a family trip into downtown (along with many other fun holiday events – see www.downtownholidays.com for more information).

Just don’t go hungry.

The 18th Annual Gingerbread Village is on display through January 2, 2011. It’s a fundraiser for the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation Northwest Chapter. Go, have fun, do good. And let me know what your favorites were!

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