Category Archives: health

The Fake Weight

Not to brag much but the other day I got on the scale and realized I had gotten down to my fake weight without leaning on the wall.

“Fake weight” — the number we put on official documents like our driver’s license applications and other “public” forms. Every woman I’ve mentioned this to knew exactly what I was talking about.

Men, however, had no clue. They apparently don’t have a fake weight! They’ll deny it but they have a fake height or fake length they tell themselves…

But, honestly, I’m here to tell you that it’s a little disconcerting if you ever see your fake weight on a real scale. I mean, with attainment of the fake weight all should be perfect in the your world, right? The fake and the real have merged and anything is possible!

We should at least expect a rousing parade or curly confetti to miraculously fall from the sky or Ed McMahon with a big check.

But no. I got none of that.

Given my up’s and down’s with life weight, I’ll likely bounce back up and the fake weight will once again become fake if these Girl Scout cookies have anything to say about it.

Or maybe it won’t, in which case I’ll be required to come up with a new fake weight. Where do our fake weights come from? Old insurance charts? Some online weight calculator? An asshole ex-boyfriend? A number from your past? The Miss Universe pageant?

The fake weight must be lower than your actual weight, but not so far removed as to cause snickering at the DMV or when your driver’s license is broadcast on a local news show after you run off with the soccer coach go missing.

I will confess that once I touched on my fake weight, it somehow managed to lose its power. It is just an artificial, externally-imposed number. Health, strength, energy, focus, these internal traits are the things that should have meaning and magic for us all through life, right?

All of which I promise to ponder deeply as I Google weight charts and calculators to generate my new fake weight.

The Shiny Coat Series: Come to Your Senses!

This month’s installment on healthy living, The Shiny Coat Series, looks at, sniffs around, and possibly fondles you wish the topic of your physical body.

My friend Trish and I were talking about this need we humans have that we totally ignore: to be aware of living in your body. We’re busy, we’re all about what’s in our head, the should‘s, the have-to‘s, the to-do‘s, and we use our body as if it’s an old beater which it may resemble, only good for getting from Point A to Point B.

Well, I am here today to remind you to turn off that ever-spinning engine in your brain, and come back into your skin. At least for a minute or two.

No, this is not how to make yourself feel better with a scarf, part 2, the X-rated version not a bad idea, though, oh the spam!. Although sex can pull you back down into your curled toes for moment. But if you’re one of those people I would never! sorting your mental laundry list during the act — multitasking at its worst — then no, sex may not be the answer for you sorry, Hubs.

Some may disagree; certain religions, even some Eastern philosophy, have a thing against listening to your body or indulging your senses, like physical desire is a thing to be risen above. It’s that age-old wild animal versus civilized man argument, as if we can’t have both.

I say bullshit. Dive in. Your brain, your gut, your skin, your senses, they’re all connected, and sending warm fuzzies through your system, scientists are finding out, is good news for everyone in your cute, little, physical ecosystem. We are sentient beings after all.

We naturally do it as kids. Seeing a giant dirt pile in our yard, the Kid at age 3 ripped off her clothes, plopped herself down, and poured dirt on her legs. Pure, simple, physical joy.

So, here are my suggestions for coming to your senses:

-sex (IF you can shut off the mind for just two fucking minutes I mean, hours, of course!)
-soak in a hot tub, bathtub, metal bucket, whatever!
-drive with the windows down, radio blaring
-skinny dip
-meditate and mentally scan your entire body
-drink a delicious pinot noir (but this is not about numbing yourself!)
-get a massage or scrub
-squint in the sun
-dance crazy
-savor a luxurious dessert
-go hear live music
-walk in the woods and listen
-do yoga or stretch
-run hard
-go barefoot in the sand
-beat a drum or two
-get a mani/pedi
-photograph wildlife
-wear anything cashmere, silky, satiny, or soft

These are just some suggestions. Maybe you have others?

What brings you back down out of your head into your whole, delicious body?!

how to make yourself feel better with a scarf (G-rated)

I have recently made a discovery. I am sad, desperate child who will take any crumb of chocolate chip cookie the Universe will toss to me. I’m not proud. I’m just confessing because I have realized a certain shall-we-say manipulation that you humans are powerless to refuse.

It is . . . my pink scarf.

To be honest, once I realized my powers I felt a tad guilty, but hey, I got over that

Here’s the deal. Whenever I wear my scarf, whenever wherever, someone tells me how awesome it is. They can’t help it.

So, now, I put it on every day wondering what unsuspecting innocent will be my victim? (Last time it took 1 hour, and that included 40 minutes of driving alone).

And when they find I-like-your-scarf or what-a-pretty-scarf involuntarily pouring out of their mouths, I say Thank You and smile graciously on the outside while I’m MWA-HA-HA-HAAAAA’ing and mentally putting another notch in my scarf-conquering belt inside.

But I wanted to gloat share this insight because maybe you, too, have those times when you feel blue, or your prescription ran out you need a tiny boost from a total stranger in order to feel better about yourself.

My advice is this: Get your own an awesome scarf, because you ain’t getting mine a) getting compliments feel good, b) manipulating the human race feels good, and c) having just one thought of hopeful expectation for your day was one of Oprah’s favorite things may save on your liquor store bill.
No promises on c).

Yes? What’s that? I’m listening…

The Shiny Coat Series: Food in Your Dish

A new year, a new beginning, and lots of folks are getting on that terrible invention, the bathroom scale. I feel your pain. I am one of those people who has had the same 20 pounds come and go. And come and go. For thirty years.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not against starting a new eating plan with the new year. Really, who starts anything on a Saturday except a hangover? No one. We humans need some external event to shake us up and drive us towards a healthier existence for pretty much everything, like New Year’s, or your high school reunion, or becoming pregnant, or getting kicked out of your house, or a Monday. Just something.

And I know this issue is loaded and complicated and emotional for those of us who ride the rollercoaster, so these ideas are just one item to put in your basket as you sort through the marketplace of food and its relationship to your body and your self. No one has The Magical Answer for you although I’m told France has a pill….

But I’m here on the other side, the stabilized side, to give you three food tips if you feel you must “be good” and do the D word. They will support you, help with cravings and fill you full of vitamins, protein and fiber.

1. Beans. I know, the musical fruit. But ease into it, a little each day, and your body will adjust, I promise. Plus, they’re packed with fiber and protein and other good stuff. And for those of you (like me) who need variety in life, there’s lentils, garbanzos, pintos, navy, black, and on and on. Experiment with hot or cold options, plain or tossed in soups or salads. I’m told they help to even out your blood sugar level which will help with those evil cravings.

2. Fat. I know you’re running from this and it seems counter-intuitive, but eat fat. Every day. I’m not talking sit down with a tub o’ lard hey, who’re you calling a tub o’ lard?. I’m talking raw (or roasted at home) nuts, seeds, avocados, and oils (yes, some oils are better than others, but that’s a whole other blog post…). Do not be afraid of good food like I was! I think it was Cynthia at Cookus Interruptus (a fun site with cooking videos and comedy) who said if you eat foods that have had the fat removed, your body will still be looking for that fat and not feel satisfied. I am all for satisfaction, so stay away from anything that says “fat-free.”

3. Veggies. I’m telling ya right now if you are dieting and only eating lettuce or broccoli, I was not you will not be able to maintain when you’ve reached your goal have you seen my new yo-yo?? *ahem*. Expand your vegetable horizon. Experiment with types of veggies and methods of cooking them. I swear, I’m beginning to think if I toss a dog turd in olive oil, sprinkle with sea salt and roast it in the oven, I’ll love it. Gross, yes unless you ask my dog. But the point is that those veggies you grew up thinking were gross may not be so gross after all. So be a man and try some! Frankly, I believe increasing your vegetable consumption is the key to the kingdom along with an icy shot of Citron Grey Goose as needed….

Before you know it, you’ve broadened your menu horizon, you’re eating tons of good stuff every day, you’re not feeling deprived, and guess what? Your body is adjusting (and hopefully you’re moving it around several times a week in some way that you like).

And then when you reach your goal, you won’t abandon yourself because this time along the journey you realized what truly feeling good feels like, with more energy, strength and focus, and you won’t be able to ignore it those times you and I revert back and start feeling crappy. You’ll want to have healthier and more varied eating, not because it’s weigh-in time, but because you know you’ll feel better that way.

Then you’ll be on the other side, the stabilized side. Where you can relax and love food again.

Are you eating any new, healthier foods this year?

Ah-choo! a fuzzy version

Sure, by now you’ve seen the tiny, sneezing baby panda, but have you seen a black and white fuzzy version of my allergy attack of an adult panda sneezing fit?

I confess my 7 going on 27 year old told me about it. The police grandparents will be glad to know her online video searching skills have greatly improved this summer and she now knows the words to Last Friday Night by Katy Perry.

Should people really be laughing? Poor panda. Maybe someone should get him a Zyrtac?

Oh, go ahead. We’re laughing with him…right?