Category Archives: food

The Shiny Coat Series: A Dip into Food Detox’ing

So, we just ended early finished a 3-week food detox here, the Hubs and I. I would have written about it as it was going on, but I was too weak and mentally incapacitated way bitchier than normal and who needs to read bad news, right?

Here’s what we didn’t consume: wheat, dairy, sugar, caffeine, alcohol (excluding a glass a wine that time or two), beef, pork, and corn.

What’s left, you say? Just all that crap we’re supposed to be eating all the time anyways–vegetables, fruits, other grains, beans, nuts, seeds, etc. Plus, we took extra supplements and stuff that were supposed to cleanse the liver.

I did this detox before, all by myself, and I have to say I was much less tempted then. It seems when you have a partner, you also (or, me and my devilish mind) potentially have a partner in crime. I kept offering to cheat. Wanna have some wine? Just one? I will if you will…

When I was detoxing alone I was all, “NO, I can’t possibly have wine because I am DETOX’ing, thanks for remembering, and how can you sit there drinking in front of me?? It must be because you really don’t love me at all, do you? And probably never did?!”

Detoxes make me more dramatic. It’s the sugar deprivation.

This time if I was testy, and I’m not saying I was, it was only because the Hubs lost 9 pounds in 8 days or some such b.s. Meanwhile, yours truly lost +1 pounds.

I was hoping to jump start eating healthier with this detox, but I was so lazy this time around, we ended up subsisting on rice cakes with almond or cashew butter. There were bits of rice cakes everyfreakingwhere. Can I just say after O.D.’ing on almond butter, I was ready to propose to the cashew butter. You’re so creamy, you’re so smooth, and…and…my mouth is now watering.

If you do it right, you can also test for food sensitivities at the end when you’re all cleansed, but we pretty much launched directly into pizza and beer which blew that idea into outer space. I recommend at least easing your way back into other foods. Your gut unlike my vengeful bastard will thank you.

The liver part of it I can’t really say. I think liver stuff is subtle, unless you’re really in trouble. I think my skin improved, my concentration improved, and I felt clearer mentally. Everyone should try it at least once. It will make you try new foods, show you see how your body feels without its regular standbys, and shake things up a bit. That’s always good, right?

Next up: I started drinking coconut kefir every day to add flora to my gut. Stay tuned for what will be a riveting report!

Relationship Advice from Guru John Gottman

Last week I tasered and dragged the Hubs to a lecture by renowned relationship researcher John Gottman. Yes, you read that right. The Hubs went to a talk on relationships. Better stock up on food and water, cuz the Supervolcano can’t be far behind. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

As we walked up the streets of downtown Seattle, I spotted another couple heading the same direction and guessed we were all going to the same place. When the woman left her guy in the dust by crossing on yellow, and then impatiently waited across the street, the Hubs agreed with me. We’re smart only that way.

After reviewing the bad and irrational habits of couples which I personally never do, Gottman discussed the Falling in Love Cocktail, which is how we all got in this mess consists of the following chemicals: DHEA, Oxytocin, Pheromones, Estrogen, Testosterone, PEA, Serotonin, Dopamine, Progesterone, Prolactin, and Vasopressin plus a shot of Grey Goose, shaken, not stirred.


During the “honeymoon phase,” all these chemicals, which thankfully can only get triggered by a few people‘s delicious look/scent/taste, will suspend our sense of fear and impair our judgment. No shit! In fact, a Swiss scientist found that when sprayed with oxytocin up their nose, more people agreed to fund a shifty Swiss dude’s investment scheme than people who were squirted with plain saline. So you should totally not date a financier.

It’s only after the chemicals wear off and we’ve possibly already been to the alter that we sober up that our judgment resurfaces and trust can begun to be built. Gottman defines trust in a broad way as behavior that answers affirmatively to the question “Are you there for me?” And that feeling, that your partner is there for you or not there for you, is created in small moments every day, every week, by listening and sharing openly. I You apparently cannot order it up off the menu.

He truly had a ton of information and a short time to convey it. While Gottman compiled lists of what you should and shouldn’t do, he didn’t really sink into that underbelly of people possibly like me who know what they should do, who know it would benefit the relationship, and yet still don’t do it.

Like how a person who is midway through a totally voluntary, food detox for rational, health reasons (a blog post on that later), walks into a lecture area, smells foreign spices and sees something tasty looking in a steamed wrapper being handed to her by celebrity chef Tom Douglas and eats it. Detox. Be. Damned.

Tom said yak was probably okay on a detox after I ate it.

But excluding me that still leaves a large group of rational-behaving people who exist only as a figment of my imagination would benefit from Gottman’s information on the habits of successful couples.

And by the end of the evening, the Hubs and I actually agreed on a second thing: the yak dumplings tasted awesome. Awww.

The Shiny Coat Series: Moving It

What happened? What are you doing? No carbs? Calorie counting?

I’ve gotten some questions lately about hitting my Fake Weight, so since I want to totally jinx myself be helpful to others and encourage healthier lifestyles when I can, let’s look into this, shall we?

Calorie counting works great for maybe two people on this planet some, but it does not work for me, not when I was twelve and not now. I could never maintain a weight I reached from calorie counting.

I look at food groups instead. Veggies, fruits, legumes, nuts, seeds, grains, and meats I go for while I mostly avoid dairy and lots of desserts. And I got there mostly by noticing their effects on me, not as an external rule from somebody else. Dairy gives me your basic allergy symptoms, stuffy head, runny nose, foggy brain, tiredness; sugar leaves me tired, too, and craving more sugar.

But I think what’s happened to shift my body over the past year is exercise.

Turns out heart-pumping, blood rushing, sweat-inducing exercise burns up all those clingy calories I refuse to count. You can’t phone it in like I did for years reading Entertainment Weekly and barely breaking a sweat on the elliptical.

Also, to maintain a lower weight, the activity needs to be something you love or at least enjoy a little and fits into your current life situation. Find that thing. And it may not be your first preference, but that’s okay.

I personally would prefer being tipsy and sweating through my clothes on a crowded dance floor at midnight to a throbbing bass line, but guess what? Not so workable as a mom who lives on a sleepy island and has to get her kid to grade school in the morning. Maybe in a few years…

My second choice would be hiking up a small mountain, snacking at the top on a rocky outcropping with a water view, and losing sense of time coming down during great conversation. Unfortunately, driving a few hours each way and hiking for several hours doesn’t generally fit in my Real Life. Or anyone else’s.

This left me with. .*sigh* . .walking the dog. But then I started walking faster, and now we run excluding the two million pit stops she requires.

Maybe for you it’s going to a gym and reading trashy magazines as you cycle hard. Or maybe it’s walking fast while chatting with a friend. Or maybe you finally take that tango or hot yoga class. Or maybe you turn on Just Dance and go nuts when no one’s home. Maybe, if you’re like me, you need to get outside and do something to make you breathe hard to keep you from going batshit crazy.

Whatever it is, pick something. Change it if you get bored. Mix it up, walk a different path, cross-train, try a new class.

The more you move your body around, the more it will thank you and beg for more, and the more your energy will spread from just your tense head and tight shoulders, down into your toes.

So get out there and move it!

Have you found a way you like to move it?

Girly Cupcakes

Just so you know, the Hubs said I shouldn’t blog about this, so Hello! You’d think he’d have learned by now….

This post is brought to you by Facebook and its new anti-privacy rules, because it was a friend of a friend who I have never heard of who posted this photo and my friend, a guy I actually do know, “liked” it.

Which apparently means the whole world gets to see it now, in case you just got out of that coma don’t know Facebook is raping you daily, right now.

Hold onto your britches. Take a gander at the girly cupcakes:
Puts new meaning in the term variety pack, eh?

Okay, focus, readers. Are ya with me? I posted this because I want to ask if you think it was would be outrageoushorrendousdisgusting of me to show this photo to my eight-year-old daughter?

Purely, a hypothetical question, Mrs. Child Protective Services, for the purposes of discussion.

I mean, if I did, I wonder if my child would guess right away what she was looking at or needed a hint from me.

I wonder if she’d then drop her jaw first, and then with a twinkle in her eye, her own drawers to show me hers as comparison to the frosted ones.

I also wonder if young girls should possess a relaxed, secure knowledge of their amazing, delicious cupcakes body.

Purely hypothetical, ya’ll. Don’t go get your panties in a–oh, never mind.

What do you think? Would you show a daughter and not a son? Is age a factor?

Anti-Gravity Movie Popcorn

[Warning: she’s getting her bitch on]

I took the Kid to see Hugo in 3D after ripping into our lottery winnings in our mattress. The movie was great in a very dontwealllovethemovies kinda way. If you go, be on time or you’ll never have me as your movie date because the opening shot in 3D is the highlight of the film, imo.

But this post is not about the movie. It’s about the concession stand. What they think we are not seeing them do there.

First off, I am a popcorn fiend. I admit it. I am powerless to it. So, I usually always get some at the movies, however nasty it may be. I said I’m powerless, you judgey judgers! Plus, concessions is where the exhibitors make their money, and haven’t you heard, the movie business is in trouble, so I’m doing my part.

But what amazes me is how they serve up those golden morsels nowadays. They lift the scoop of popcorn highohsohigh above the bucket and let those popped fluffballs of joy float, single file, down, down, down. Leaving as much air in the bucket as possible while still remaining on Planet Earth.

Now, if you’re 15, this is The Way It’s Always Been. But if you’re 29, like me, you have not forgotten the days when they were not so lovingly tender with the corn.

They roughly scooped, slapped it down in the bucket, and scooped some more. And then, they’d pound the bucket on the counter several times like they’re about to make a free throw shot with 1 second to go to settle the corn and make room for yet another incoming scoop of popcorn.

I am not shitting you. That is how it was done. It was a beautiful thing. Ask your dad.

Now that I’ve written this, honestly, I’m lost in my movie concession stand reverie, so talk amongst yourselves. *sigh*

Do you have any great memories of going to the movies?