I would like to dedicate this blog post to As the Worlds Turns, a soap opera that broadcasts its final episode later this year, after decades of my apparently meaningless devotion.
How can they do this to me?!
[Also, did I mention my mother is coming for a visit?]
We now join our story already in progress….
Ashley: But, honey, my mother is coming in two days and NOW you decide to repaint the guest room and replace all the trim and molding and rewire the room? Right when you’ve gotten out of the hospital from your brain and liver transplant?
Ridge: There, there, sweetheart (pats her head), I’m fit as a fiddle. Hand me that saw and we’ll be done in no time. (belches) Can you visualize it yet?
Ashley: But, Ridge, I’m not so sure about this. And what does a saw look like, anyway?
Ridge: It’s the metal thing over there plugged into the wall. But don’t–
Ashley: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Ridge: Don’t move, dear! Stay right there! I have a ziploc bag here we can put your foot in and get that sewn right back on, down at the clinic.
Ashley (panting): No, Ridge, no! You know I said I’d never go back to that place! I’d rather have one foot!
Ridge: Ashie, baby, that’s just plain gross. Besides, how will we dance the cha-cha at our wedding like we planned? Although, that could be kinky on the honeymoon. (shakes his head) No! Come on, Ash, let me take care of you…
Ashley (hopping): Ridge, I mean it! Don’t take me there!
Ridge: But why? It’s not because of that thing I had with Nurse Helen, is it? Cuz she meant nothing to me, baby. It’s over, I swear. I told you, I’m not the father!
Ashley: What?? Helen? My cousin, Helen, the nurse??
Ridge: Ash, focus, you’re bleeding! Let’s go.
Ashley: No! It’s just that…(looks away) I had a surgery there that didn’t go well. Just leave it at that! (puts out hand to stop him)
Ridge: Wha–?
Ashley: It’s nothing for you to worry about…(mutters) at least, not until the wedding night….
Ridge (not listening, of course): Ashie, baby, I’ve got your foot and you know, you’ve always got my heart, so let me take you to a doctor!
Ashley: Well, okay. But you have to hire someone to finish this job!
Ridge: Alright, if it will shut you up and get you to a doctor! I’ll call that new carpenter in town, I think her name was…Barbie.
Ashley: Barbie? My cousin Barbie is back in town….?
END SCENE
Will Ashley get her foot back on? Will Ridge call Barbie? Will Barbie…well, of course, she will. Tune in next time for another stirring episode of As the Dirt Builds!
[And, yes, the hubs is remodeling at the last minute, and yes, I got a huge splinter from having to put wood into the fireplace by myself. I am not over it.]
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