Had to cancel my V.I.P. trip to the Sundance Film Festival this winter (ha!), to join the ranks of thousands out there and have a colonoscopy. Although my hubbie has a magic pill, the superflusher 2000, I chose to follow doctor’s orders for the preparation, which involved lots of fluids and starvation. After downing two bottles of magnesium citrate, you are supposed to drink a gallon of water. Good luck with that! I would have felt better about it all if I had not just read a sad story about fatal water intoxication, a condition I did not know existed. I can only ASSUME the doctors know about this and the quantity of liquids I am drinking don’t come close to that condition. But what do I know about it? I’m not a real doctor, I just play one with my kid (actually, she is the doctor usually).
Also, I failed miserably at preparing for the prep. Clear liquids only, no red coloring. Pantry: no apple juice, no Gatorade, no nonred Jello (who even buys nonred Jello?). I thought I’d be happy with teas and chicken bouillon. Wrong. By the afternoon, with my head pounding, nothing sounded better than a big scoop of cold, wiggly Jello. We finally went to the store (during a lull in the storm) and made some Jello, mmmmmmm good. Did you know it takes 4 hours to set up? We rushed in at 2 hours and decided it was thick enough. Next time, I add another option — 750ml of white wine! Maybe in the Jello! That would make this fast go faster, or at least be more fun. Wine was conveniently not mentioned in the instructions. Hmmmmmmmmm.
So after all the flushing, you are dehydrated, thirsty, headachey and hungry. Then I get to feed my Kid all her meals, snacks, etc. Temptations everywhere. A clump of cottage cheese on my hand, a crust of grilled cheese sandwich, a bowl of crunchy cereal….it was rough not to eat! Finally, the day of the procedure, we wait and wait and wait. Doctors were running late there, to the tune of over an hour (yes, we want them to be careful…), so we watched the fish tank. It’s supposed to relax you, right?
What I learned: some fish get big pieces of romaine lettuce in their tank for snack. I watched a “Dory” fish (from Nemo) eat from the giant floating lettuce leaf for half an hour. Torture. Even the fish get to eat and I don’t! My craving for a cheeseburger quickly transferred over to lettuce at that point, maybe without the salt water and with some blue cheese dressing. Yea, and what about that little fish, too? Mmmmmmmm.
What I also learned: the procedure itself is a breeze, thanks to great drugs, and you get the most delicious juice and dry muffin afterwards! It reminded me of how food on camping trips tastes so good. But if you actually cooked the same food at home….not so great. A peppermint patty never tasted so good as on the top of hill I climbed. So, this colon scope provided yet another chance to appreciate those little things in life, like clumps of cottage cheese, muffins, and yes, good health, too.